My friend - a case of self abandonment

My friend, Li Yen (L.Y.), was heartbroken recently. Love is always the affairs of the heart, especially for women, for we are more emotional and sentimental. In such an event, we are the ones who suffer the most emotionally. I had remembers just end of last year, LY had told me how fortunate she was to have him and how wonderful he was. I had given her my best blessings then..but now, I am the one to console her.

They had plans to get married by next year as LY was not young anymore. She is 6 years younger than me hence you can know I am old! But after listening to her plights, I realise that all are not well between them as they had quarrels over little things but they managed to patch back fast.

As I know LY for over 2 decades, I know she had been through many of these break-ups and each one of them was equally dramatic and sympathetic. Sad to say, she had phobias but he appeared and managed to sweep her off her feet with his assurances. I remembered she said it was worth the wait. But I think by now..she must have grown numb of such affairs and i wonder how life will be like for her next time.

As i listen to her, the more I realise my friend LY has an obvious pattern that started since her childhood and this pattern continually manifested in each of her relationships.

She had a strict father who was the head of the household and as a smart kid, she knew she that as long as she won her dad's approval, her mom would be powerless to object her. That was why LY was always doing her best to win the approval. Only dad's approval and attention could bring her security and warmth of the family. This trend continued when she was into her late teens and twenties...

And for each of her romances, she wanted the guys to be responsible for how she feels she was worth. She then had to try to have control over his treating her the way she wanted to be treated so that she felt loved and worthy.

You can say she was the controlling kind of personality. She could cry, throw tantrums, get angry over little things, reprimand and etc....And when she got what she wanted from the guys, she was sweet, loving and caring. It was like there was two personalities in her. Even my friendship with her was not without any difficulties too. And she is always the one to throw the blames fast and quick....

In a way, I pity those guys who were with her. I had wanted to talk to her about it and each time she just wouldn't listen. So she became in and out of relationships that lasted not more than 2 years each time. Her latest one was the best she had as it was over 3 years! The guy must be very tired and overwhelmed by the responsibility of her feelings and ended the relationship.And now LY had treated him like an enemy who reneged on the promise.

Psychic Marie Callas calls this kind of human behaviour as "self-abandonment".

LY had really self abandoned her own feelings and she is happy to let others make her happy. Being happy is no longer her own responsibility but other people. Instead of learning about how she was treating herself when she felt alone, anxious, or depressed, she always looked for someone or something outside of herself to make her feel better.

In this kind of character, there is heavy judgement of oneself and thinking she is not good enough. So this kind of personality will look for others to make her feel good - in this case, her dad when she was young and boyfriends when she was a grown up.

As a good friend, I managed to tell her to listen to my view. She has to take responsibilities for her own feelings. She nodded in tears and agreed to listen to me and change her behaviour for the better and this is the last time she wanted to suffer this way.

Hopefully, this will make her more sensible and make her a better person. I wish the best for my dear friend.